my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
