I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
