i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
