Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
