She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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