One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
