I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
