ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
