i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
