if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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