My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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