is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
