I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
