That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
