She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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