the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i wish my penis had a tongue
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize