I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My vagina just recognized that song.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
