glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
