Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
