My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize