new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
