I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
