I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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