Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
