i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
