So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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