Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
