Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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