my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize