I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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