New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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