Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
