Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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