HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
