I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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