I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
