Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
