my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
