my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
