im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
