and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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