i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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