I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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