thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just threw up on my dentist
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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