just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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