My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
