The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
