Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
