you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
