So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
