Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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