i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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