for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
