oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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