We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
