Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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