I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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